Why bad habits from your parents can affect your personal life
I grew up in an Asian household. When I was around 6-years-old, I immigrated to The Netherlands. The reason for the migration was that my mom wanted to start a life with my Dutch stepdad. Before my stepdad, it was just me and my mom. My biological father was never in my life.
Maybe you’re wondering, why is she mentioning the race? It will become more clear, trust me. My Dutch stepdad is the nicest, loving, caring man that I have ever met. Before I came to The Netherlands, I have met him and spend some time with him before moving in with him and my mom. Because I didn’t have a father in my life at the time, I grew to see him as my own dad. Even though we are not related by blood and he is happy to take that role for me.
In the first years, I was very attached to my mom. I did not speak the Dutch language well yet, I still had to get to know my stepdad, and I didn’t make any friends yet. When my Dutch language got better, so did my relationship with my stepdad. That is when I started to notice the differences between my two parents. The differences in character, how they handled things, and even cultural differences. Of course, I also grew. older and started to understand those topics better.
When I was around 15-years-old, I have become attached to my stepdad more than my mom. At the time, I thought the reason was that I always got everything I wanted from him. It only took one year for me to get into a big fight with him about something stupid. But something I would never forget is that this man came to sit with me one night and wrote a letter to me. In that letter, he expressed how he felt as a parent, what mistakes he made and why he is sorry for how he handled things with me and made me feel the way I felt. He even broke out crying in front of me.
The reason why I would never forget that is because I have never seen my mom cry in my whole life. In the 23-years that I’ve lived on this earth, I have never seen my mom cry. Not when she got hit by a car, not when she is fighting with my stepdad, not when my grandma got sick. I don’t even remember her ever talking with me about feelings or sitting down with me when I got upset. I could get mad at her, curse, slam doors. But she never came to me to say sorry or talk about what happened. She usually just lets the situation pass, would cook me a meal, and in a week the madness would’ve flown by.
Because of social media, I have been more in contact with other first and second-generation Asian immigrants. I have started to notice a certain pattern with how these immigrants experience their parents. Now, I want to say that not everyone is like this and that this is just my observation.
I have noticed that a lot of Asian people experience my situation with their Asian parents. There are even memes made out of the fact that when Asian parents are trying to say sorry, they will make you loads of food instead of actually saying sorry and talk about it. This habit comes from a lack of compassion and understanding of emotions that is deeply integrated into the culture. Mental health problems are not a high priority in most parts of Asia. That is why I personally think that my mom is not the best in communication, but she does show her love in other ways.
Yesterday, after a sudden change in my life, I started to notice that I also show this kind of behavior in my own personal life. Or, I have always known, but my ego did not want to admit that I show this behavior. In my world, I am a nice person. I cannot do anything wrong because at least I’m trying. The same thing happens when trying to show compassion to the people that I love. I think I am trying and that is sufficient. But in reality, trying without making any progress doesn’t get me anywhere. And this deep-rooted habit that I did not even take seriously until recently has really cost me in my personal life. It is hard for me to start realizing that I am wrong and that the example that my parents give me on how to handle things is not the right one perse. At the end of the day, we are all human with our own flaws.
Right now, it is funny to me how certain habits from our parents creep into our own lives. But the thing I also realized is that it is okay. The key is to recognize those habits and understand where they are coming from and choosing whether or not you want that in your own life. That is the thing we humans struggle with the most. The mental challenge and recognizing and using the ability that we can dictate our own lives. We always create this mental block. We always create a new problem in our minds. It‘s easier to hide behind new problems instead of holding yourself responsible for the fact that you created those problems for no reason other than that you’re scared.
Writing this post, I have started to understand my problems better and those of my parents. Don’t take this post the wrong way, I love both of my parents unconditionally. They’re two individuals with their own strengths and flaws. Right now, I am making the decision that I will not fuel that part of me anymore. The egocentric, non-compassionate part. There are things that I want to do the same as my parents, and there are things I would do differently. I am deciding that I have control over my actions, that I am responsible of my emotions, and that I am capable of being strong enough to be who I want to be. This decision came from a place of hurt and mistakes and I want a life where I do not create hurt and regret due to me not being in control of who I want to be and who I am in different situations.
